- falling into pain -

It rose again last night, full of stones that felt like teeth biting : the old swelling river of pain. This was the second night, with an ache of a day too between. I should have known what to do, I've waded this river for years now. But it's simply not easy to stay steady on your feet, no matter how experienced, how positively-minded, you may be. The water is in charge. And it can't be stopped.

Usually, I try to wrangle the pain. Walk it, knead it, twist it this way and that trying to find the perfection contortion of peace. But last night I tried early what I usually do only at the point of desperation. I surrendered.

There's a line in a Matthew Perryman Jones song ... fall into that mystery, or it will pull you under. It expresses (for me, anyway) the beauty of surrendering wholeheartedly to something that is inexorable, relentless, and yet not malevolent - it is just itself. Such is pain. It is the river born in mountains out of water from the deep oceans. It speaks to me, tries to pull me into understanding, but I can't understand its wild, ancient language. Only when I surrender, let go, fall into it, do I comprehend what it is communicating ...




Relax. Let go.

I don't know what causes fibromylagia, no one really does. But what I do know after all these years is that when I've done too much, typed for three months, worried for three weeks about an electrical fault, spent too long having conversations that are like rocks in the river, pain will come shouting at me to relax. To surrender to life.

I can't take a pill to make the pain go away. I can't will it away. All I can do is console myself and let the river wash over me until I sleep. And in the middle of the night that feels to me like a guide to living ...

Maybe we weren't meant to sit in boats. Life's waters, with their rocks and snapping shadows, their white water terrors, are also full of stars. Maybe we should fear not, for just maybe we are here to drift and dream, and catch each other's hands as we go past.

11 comments:

  1. oh sarah. maybe we weren't meant to sit in boats. i am with you, reaching out to catch your hand, and hoping you will catch mine. the last few weeks have been hard with typing and worry and my work-a-day world, and i, too have tried to wrangle the pain. in vain. i so like the idea of not sitting in the boat, of just bobbing past, floating on my back, stars overhead. i can do that. i can. thank you.

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    1. i am sorry you have been in pain, (((hugs))), i wish you well. and i wish for all your worry transforms into beauty.

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  2. Hoping you float by a calm patch soon of healing waters. I'm terriible at letting go myself, perhaps that's why I get so many reminders, LOL.

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate so much your kind thought. It really means alot. And I too am terrible at letting go! :-)

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  3. I'm so sorry, Sarah. My mom and my sister both suffer from fibromyalgia, and I know how hard it can be. Somehow you managed to right a beautiful, beautiful post just the same. I hope you pain is easing up by now. xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much, I wish I could tell you what it means to me that you wrote this - on both the personal level and another level too.

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  4. Hello Sarah, I was directed towards your blog by my sis-in-law... it's so good to find other crafters who suffer from Fibro. I have Fibro and M.E, amongst other things, so your posts really resonate with me.
    After coming through another rough patch, 5 long weeks with no crafting, I feel I can see the light at the end of this particular tunnel, I hope you can too.
    My wish for you is a joyous Christmas and that your pain is bearable.
    P.s my blog is http://dreamitmakeitloveit.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Kirstin. I don't know that many people understand the illness. I really appreciate your kind thoughts. Also very nice to see your weblog, I liked the dragonflies! :-)

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  5. Thank you Sarah. How do I follow your blog, I can't find a pin or section where I can do this x

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  6. It depends on what reader service you use. When I want to add a blog to my feedly, I copy the url, paste it in, and add it that way.

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